Celebrity Interview: Xavier DuChamp, host of the Xavier DuChamp Post-Holiday Extravaganza, featuring KAL!

Celebrity Interview: Xavier DuChamp, host of the Xavier DuChamp Post-Holiday Extravaganza, featuring KAL!
BIG’s Executive/Artistic Director, Mike Harris, sat down with Xavier DuChamp, the continental sensation, ex-pat, and self proclaimed 12-time winner of Baltimore’s Most Sensual Lounge Singer. They talked love, family, addiction, and, of course, the excitement of Xavier hosting a fully improvised holiday special.

MH: Xavier, thank you again for hosting this year’s show.
XD: But, of course, you amusingly chunky little man.
MH: Tell me about this Post-Holiday Extravaganza.
XD: So much to say…we have improvised holiday scenes & songs, and Economist cartoonist KAL providing a cartoon ‘Year in Review’ & ‘Year to Come.’ We have Indian dancing, brand new holiday songs, and, of course, Moi.
MH: Moi, indeed. You are the self proclaimed 12-time winner of Baltimore’s Most Sensual Lounge Singer.
XD: Oui. Oh, I apologize you are an American. I mean Si.
MH: Self proclaimed.
XD: Well, there is no one else fit to properly measure my sensuality. After all, I am the voice behind such pregnancy-causing songs as “Bootie Supernova,” “Me, You, & the Men’s Room,” and my holiday classic, “(Come Get in These) Hanukkah Drawers.”
MH: Right. Bootie Supernova put you on the map in the Spring of 1978. You were knows as “The Off-Brand Lover.”
XD: No, no, not correct. I was, and am, a lover of off-brand women.
MH: That sounds offensive.
XD: This is where you are wrong, comedy dwarf. Just as off-brand clothing is unjustly ignored for its odd sizing, so are off-brand women. Have you ever made love to a woman who weighs over a 100 kilos?
MH: No.
XD: That’s because you are a weight bigot.
MH: That seems unfair.
XD: What about a woman over six feet tall? Have you ever played ‘I’ll be the Sherpa, you be Mt. Everest’ with a woman who towers over you like a Sex Avalanche?
MH: I can honestly say I haven’t.
XD: Height Bigot.
MH: Your career came to an abrupt halt in 1981, and you disappeared from the music scene for the better part of two decades. What happened?
XD: All the old clichés: too much, too fast. Too much money, too many pancakes, too many enormous women.
MH: And addiction?
XD: Yes. I was strung out for most of the 80’s and 90’s. I did it all: NyQuil, Dexatrim, and, of course, Turkey Gravy.
MH: Turkey Gravy being slang for?
XD: Actual turkey gravy.
MH: Xavier, Why so much gravy?
XD: Well, it goes back to my father. He was a gravy sommelier.
MH: A what?
XD: Sommelier. He worked in a two star bistro in Marseille. Helping tourists pair the appropriate gravy with their entrees. It was a humiliation that he never fully recovered from.
(At this point in the interview, Xavier DuChamp curled up in a ball and wept softly for almost half an hour. I was finally able to coax him out with a bag of Skittles, and several glamour shots of Queen Latifah and the actress who plays Brienne Tarth in Game of Thrones.)
XD: I apologize. It is hard to think of my father.
MH: I understand. Let’s talk happier times. The resurrection of your career.
XD: Ah yes, my Baltimore phase. This city has been so wonderful to me. Artistically, spiritually, reproductively.
MH: Yes, you have how many children?
XD: 47.
MH: No, come on, really.
XD: 47 beautiful, off-brand children. We have our own charter school.
MH: Fair enough. Xavier, one last question…I can’t help but notice your accent is inconsistent.
XD: Is what?
MH: Inconsistent. It drifts. It’s sort of Spanish mixed with French, Italian and a hint of Russian. Where exactly are you from?
XD: Hard to say. My parents, when they conceived me, made love so powerful that they started in Marseille, and finished in Barcelona.
MH: That couldn’t possibly be true.
XD: You are welcome.